Vivian reaction to Rupert's passing

I had expected her to be depressed, they were best buddies, always together on top of each other, sleeping, playing etc. She has not acted any different since he passed and I am a bit stumped by her reaction. any clues as to why? am I missing something.

I am still in a stage of disbelief over it, I am not accepting his death, I still think I could have done something to stop it or if I were in the yard I could have gotten him to the vets sooner and it could have saved his life.
I'm going to try to get an appt with a regular counselor, I am just not dealing with it.
I know I can't expect much it's only been three weeks but still, I break down at least 3-4 times a day sobbing. I need help.

Well, it really varies with animals as to how they react to the loss of another. I've had some of my dogs act like they didn't even notice and I've had some grieve. The only animal I've ever had that grieved badly was my cat Sonny when Bob died. The rest of my animals looked around, kind of shrugged their shoulders and went on about life.

I think we often assume that our animals have a closer emotional bond to one another than they do. In my house, my animals would grieve the loss of one of the humans way more than one of the other dogs. The notion of "bonded pairs" is something I hear alot, but rarely see. When I do see bonded pairs, it's usually one of the dogs is dependent on the other, but it's not reciprocal. It's interesting.

Viv, from your descriptions of her, has always seemed like a pretty self possessed and independent lady so I'm not overly surprised that Rupert's death hasn't impacted her particularly. They don't have the same emotional range we do--I think they DO have pretty significant emotions, but they don't interpret time, death or connection in the same ways we do.

There's a fair bit of new research that discredits the idea of dogs as "pack animals". Given the choice, most wild/feral dogs don't live in groups--except as small family groups (mom, dad, puppies and maybe one or two adolescent offspring). They may come together as a group to access a food resource, but once the food resource is gone (or the breeding resource), they go their own ways.

Donna I'm sorry you're still feeling like you need help.....I think breaking down a few times a day is normal.....it's still so new....don't feel bad about that. the tears are necessesary. Maybe Viv is in disbelief herself......

Blanche your right, she has always been miss independent, I just thought since she got on with him so well she would display some sign of missing him I guess she is just going back to what she knows.

My Thelma & Louisie were sisters. Louisie died of cancer at 13.5 yrs of age. That means they were together from birth until Louisie died. Thelma just went on as usual. I don't think she even looked for Louisie.

I feel each of them was more dependent on me, for being 'alpha', than each other. Even though they hung around together, slept on each other, ate together, played together, etc. for the entire 13.5 years.

I truly believe most dogs live in the 'now', and that is how they think. If Louisie had come back a year later, Thelma would have greeted her like normal, and gone about her business. I don't think they notice time elapsing the way we do.

At least you are getting help and not struggling to contain all your grief. You will survive this.

I love the quote Amanda has under the rainbow pugs: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

Tha fits how I feel about my pugs.

Maryjo wrote:I truly believe most dogs live in the 'now', and that is how they think. If Louisie had come back a year later, Thelma would have greeted her like normal, and gone about her business. I don't think they notice time elapsing the way we do.

At least you are getting help and not struggling to contain all your grief. You will survive this.

I love the quote Amanda has under the rainbow pugs: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss
.

Your right most dogs do live for the now, humans not so much.

My problem is I can't contain my grief, I have cried on everyone from my mailman at work to a new hairdresser, there is no stopping it.
I'm not at the don't dry cause its over stage I'm at the life is so unfucking fair stage and my grief is still right on the surface.

Pugsly and Taz were littermates and spent the first 6 years of their life as our only babies. One of the reasons I adopted Chyna is that Pugsly had been diagnosed with COPD, and I feared that if he passed away that Taz would be devastated. I was very surprised and shocked that Taz did not seem phased by his brother's death. It was Chyna who walked around the house for several days and would cry at times while looking for him. Pugsly was just 5 days short of turning 10. Taz died a year later, and Tinker seemed to miss him quite a bit.

I think some animals just accept it as part of life more than we do. I hope you feel better soon!

Mel wrote:I think some animals just accept it as part of life more than we do. I hope you feel better soon!

Very true and thank you I hope I do to, it's really getting to me.

Donna, I was shocked when Diesel didn't seem to grieve for Kayla. I knew she was more dependent on him than him on her, but I still was so worried that he would be depressed. He was very mopey the first two days, but I think it was more because he picked up on our sadness than that he was sad himself, though I of course don't know that for sure. He wouldn't touch his toys or bones for the first two days after she passed. Then life went on for him. I struggle with it far more than he does - like when he lays on the dog bed, it looks so odd for me to only see him, since Kayla was always cuddled up next to him. But he doesn't seem to notice at all.

Though, as surprised as I was that he wasn't depressed about Kayla being gone, I definitely believe he's the lucky one of the two of us - it's much harder for humans to deal with the loss.

Donna, your grief is totally normal. It's still very soon after his sudden death; you should expect to still cry over it. If others can't deal with your grief, then that's their problem. But however you deal with it is normal. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for it or discount your grief. I think the hardest part of losing a beloved pet is that grieving for a pet is not as accepted as grieving for a human. When we put Kayla down, it was a Saturday. When I went to work on Monday, everyone asked me how I was doing. Then that was it - never another mention of it. Although everyone knows I love my dogs like children, they seemed to think my mourning the loss of one of them is somehow less than losing a child. I disagree - losing a pet (to me at least since I have no children) is just as awful as a parent losing a child.

I'm glad you're getting help in dealing with and understanding your grief, Donna. It's good to talk about it, and it will get easier to talk about it without crying.

dieselsmom wrote: I struggle with it far more than he does - like when he lays on the dog bed, it looks so odd for me to only see him, since Kayla was always cuddled up next to him. But he doesn't seem to notice at all.

Though, as surprised as I was that he wasn't depressed about Kayla being gone, I definitely believe he's the lucky one of the two of us - it's much harder for humans to deal with the loss.

Donna, your grief is totally normal. It's still very soon after his sudden death; you should expect to still cry over it. If others can't deal with your grief, then that's their problem. But however you deal with it is normal. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for it or discount your grief. I think the hardest part of losing a beloved pet is that grieving for a pet is not as accepted as grieving for a human. When we put Kayla down, it was a Saturday. When I went to work on Monday, everyone asked me how I was doing. Then that was it - never another mention of it. Although everyone knows I love my dogs like children, they seemed to think my mourning the loss of one of them is somehow less than losing a child. I disagree - losing a pet (to me at least since I have no children) is just as awful as a parent losing a child.

I'm glad you're getting help in dealing with and understanding your grief, Donna. It's good to talk about it, and it will get easier to talk about it without crying.

I often look in her crate while she is resting and start crying as Rupert should be right on top of her, or when I dry my hair in the morning Rupert would always come in and hang in the bed till I was done and then I would give him a rub down. All around the house in my everyday routine he should be there as he always was.

I took a week off of work, luckily I could but oddly barely anyone said anything to me when I got back, that was harder than if they had.
I know it's only been a short time but I am not normally the kind of person who walks around with her emotions so open, Rupert was honestly the one thing in my life that I loved unconditionally and got it back form him twofold.
Again, I would be so worse off without all of you, you guys have helped me more than you could ever know.

Donna, I echo what Rachel said. There are five stages to grief, but nobody goes through them in order. You go back and forth and your reactions are so normal. Our society does not deal well with death. One thing that I learned in my end of life studies is that the cultural belief is that someone should be over a miscarriage in one day and the death of a pet in one hour. And we know better. As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you.